Okay, are you watching "The Next Food Network Star" on the Food channel?

This is my first year of watching it and I must say, I like it so much better than Top Chef on Bravo, mostly because the judges seem to want to help these chefs succeed. They give them suggestions and support rather than just tell them that their food sucks.

But I digress.

The Next Food Network Star is a reality show in which 11 chefs complete to have their very own cooking show on the Food Network, like Rachel Ray (who looked so much better when her hair was lighter) and Paula Dean. These 11 chefs are judged not just on how well they cook but on their ability to present their food with pizazz and personality. Basically, to show their star quality.

So, why am I talking about all this when I don’t even really like cooking all that much?

Because on the first or second show of the season, one of the chefs, Tommy  (here’s his photo), couldn’t stop his hands from shaking as he served his bouillabaisse. It was obvious that he was really nervous. So, at the time of the evaluation, just before they kick someone off the show, one of the judges, Bob Tuschman, told Tommy soemthing like, "Hey, even if you’re nervous, don’t show it. Don’t let us see it"

Basically, he told him to fake it. 

Now, you know my stance on faking it. I always say, don’t fake anything. Be real, be yourself, and don’t try to hide anything from your audience.  That old fake-it-until-you-make-it approach only reinforces the myth that you aren’t enough as you are. And it is this myth that causes the fear and anxiety most people experience around speaking in public.

But are there times when it is appropriate to fake it?
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Is there a formula for confidence? Does it consist of certain components that when piled together create confidence?

I think this depends on how you define confidence. And since my definition is different from most others I would say, no. Confidence is not a collection of components. It isn’t created. It just is.

Then, as I read Dr. Larina Kase’s post over at her Mindset of Success blog, I realized that while confidence is not a collection of attributes or qualities, one’s experience of confidence is influenced by what we think about ourselves. For instance, I don’t think you can fully experience your confidence without a healthy self-esteem.

Yes, there is a difference between self-confidence and self-esteem.

Self-esteem is the value you see in yourself. Dictionary.com defines it as "a realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself; self-respect." Unless you respect who you are, you can’t experience a confidence in who you are. That inner confidence still exists; it’s just being squashed by your lack of self-respect, your unwillingness to hold yourself in high regard.
 
Strangely enough, there was just a study done that supposedly proved that we all have self-esteem, no matter how we present ourselves.

Anyway, enough with all the definitions and studies and formulas.

What matters is, are you experiencing a confidence in who you are, regardless of any definition or formula anyone may come up with? And if not, what’s up with that? What’s in your way?

More than likely, it’s a thought. Or a whole endless stream of thoughts that are probably creating some definition of who you are. Or aren’t.

What you think creates your experience. What you think of and about yourself, your situation, your past experience, your competence and how you interpret your results or respond to what is happening all have a huge influence on your abilility to know and express your confidence. Change your thinking, change your experience of confidence.

Dr. Larina calls this Mindset. But whatever you call it, you can change it in order to allow yourself a greater experience of your natural, non-formulaic confidence. As well as many other wonderful things, like abunance, joy, success. But that’s a different post all together.

Tags: Self-Confidence Fear of Public Speaking Confidence Self-Esteem

I hate it when I don’t take my own advice.

Last week my husband and I went to hear my friend Tom play jazz at Equus Restaurant in Santa Rosa. Tom plays bass in my jazz trio, but this night he was playing with his own trio made up of pianist, John Simon, and a drummer whose first name is Paul. I didn’t catch his last name.

As we were sitting there, listening, sipping Zinfandel and contemplating the menu, Tom asked me if I wanted to sit in and sing a few tunes. An invitation to sing! My favorite thing. So, of course, I said yes. I didn’t have my own music but this group knew "I Get A Kick Out of You" so we swung it in C major.

Great! Fabulous. What fun.

Well, then Tom asked me to come up and sing again in the second set. Sure, you betcha. As the pianist launched into "Skylark", I couldn’t really hear my first note from his introduction but I just opened my mouth and took a guess. A wrong guess. I started wrong, but quickly found my way to the right pitch, and the rest of the song went beautifully.

Ah, but that first note! The very first one! To screw that up. Ugh!

I went on to sing a very fun duet with Tom, which we had never done before, and it was great. The crowd loved it. My husband loved it. But I was back in the past, mulling over my previous mistake. Damn, that first note of Skylark.

In fact, I couldn’t let it go all night. Driving home. Going to bed. Even getting up the next day. That mistake haunted me.
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The more I work with people who are scared of speaking in public, the more obvious it becomes.

The fear of speaking in public could be cured with a healthy dose of love and respect for yourself.

Think about it.

When people get super-nervous about speaking it’s often because they fear being judged negatively, of making a mistake, of looking like a fool. This means that they care more about what others may think of them than they care about how they feel about themselves.

But what if you cared more about how you felt than you did about the opinions of others? What if you loved yourself and respected yourself so passionately that you would never dream of allowing the thoughts of others to affect your well-being in any way?

Can you imagine it?

Oh, sure, it would be nice if everyone wanted to be your friend and it would be great to attract swarms of new clients every time you open your mouth, but if that didn’t happen, how devastating could that be?

So, how can you start loving yourself and respecting yourself to the degree that your well-being comes first and you’re never scared of speaking in public again? It could be challenging, especially if you were raised to place the approval and opinions of others before your own (what child wasn’t raised that way?), to be nice, to be appropriate, etc.

Here are a few steps to move you towards falling in love with yourself:

1. Accept and Appreciate Who You Are Right Now

Yes, I know you are on your way to becoming someone great and grand, but can you appreciate how great you are right now? No matter who you are or where you are in your life, you have a lot to offer and share right now.

2. Decide To Love Yourself Above All Others

Now, this can be scary because if flies in the face of what you’ve been taught. But what would happen if you decided, today, to love yourself completely? If you gave yourself your full approval and respect, no matter what?

Can you at least decide that you care enough about yourself to make sure that you have a fun, easy time when you are speaking in public? Perhaps you can start there.

3. Says Who?

If you find yourself talking trash to yourself, stop it! This can be blatant, like that voice in your head that says, "Oh, you don’t know what you’re doing. You’re going screw this up," to more subtle quieter voices that lob little doubts your way, like, "Maybe this isn’t the right time for me to try speaking at that event."

Who says? Where is that voice coming from?

4. Make the Loving Choice

Make choices that feed your love for yourself, that support who you really are, that show a profound respect for who you are. Sometimes we think we are doing the loving thing by saying no to certain opportunities. We see it as self-care. But be careful. It can also be a way to keep us locked in a familiar but small, disappointing and disrespected image we have of ourselves.

One way to tell the difference is to ask yourself, "Am I making this decision out of a feeling of lack (lack of talent, time, skill, confidence, etc.) or abundance (plenty of opportunities, time, money, etc.)? Does this decision support me and my greatness, or does it keep me small and scared?"

Loving yourself as you are right now will transform more than just your ability to speak in public. As Oscar Wilde once said, "To love one’s self is the beginning of a life-long romance."
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To start your own life-long romance with yourself, consider signing up for the "Becoming Fearless" e-zine at http://www.unconditionalconfidence.com. Each month, you get a ton of tips and information on how to speak with confidence, ease and your own kind of charisma.